When you read the title of my first blog, it’s a subject that not many are brave enough to discuss, I hope after giving you a little insight that you too can be brave and speak out.
Childhood emotional maltreatment(cem) can have a huge effects on children which will last into adulthood. In this blog I will share with you some snippets into my background to show you how I dealt with it. I hope this can help anyone reading this blog, your not on your own.
There is so much literature and research that shows the negative impact of cem, but no research focuses on the devasting effects on the clinical side.
CEM…including sexual and physical abuse increases the risk of depression, anxiety, substance use and many more emotional problems.
I suffer with cem and this is the first time I have been able to speak out about it and have an understanding, but i feel if i can help others this too in return helps me. CEM is taken into your adulthood you find it hard to trust, value yourself, body image, relationships, eating disorders, are all part of the battle, when you have cem you have have extremly low levels of self worth, and you dont cope with stress or self critism.
Some may look and judge me for who I am now, but like most we can all wear a very good mask, and very few get to see what lies beneath. It’s a constant battle, to get up and face the day to be the wife the mother you always wanted to be the business woman you have created, I hope this is making sense, I hope someone reading this is relating your not on your own.
What is your first childhood memory?
Mine is being 3 years old sitting in a big black cab, looking at my dad down on his kness crying, saying don’t go! Holding my sister’s hand tight driving away and looking in the rear view mirror, we were moving again, but this time my dad was not coming with us.
We arrive at a bright orange door(faded from red) with gold numbers saying 55 (maybe thats why orange is so app in my life)This was going to be my childhood home, it was dark, cold, and smelt of cigarettes but so did my chain smoking mother!! No carpets, curtains, beds, just us in our clothes.
Tall lady very slim bright red hair with the biggest brown eyes, very attractive. That’s how I remember her. I am one of five 2 brothers 2 sisters, my eldest brother and sister had already moved on there was a large age gap, my mum had 3 children when she was 19. It was just me and my sister left with a 10 year age gap. She was 13 looked very different to me pale skin black hair green eyes, but we had different dads, we all had different dads, my mum liked men alot, MEN VS KIDS!! I think she married 5 times maybe 6 we lost count, lots of uncles, lodger’s and male traffic into the home.
This is a blog not a book so I will limit my content, because there is so much, i want this blog to inspire others, not to be all about me, but the background is needed for you to relate with me, so this maybe my longest blog my deepest blog, but please read on(not all blogs will be like this)
A skinny girl with big brown eyeslike her mother, a thinker, a watcher, learning evolving all the time, wonky fringe crooked teeth boyish build. Always thinking i was adopted, i was given to the wrong family, sadly this was not the case, this was my life, I was broken and the only one to save me was me!!!
THE MOMENT YOU KNOW!
When you grow up with someone with mental health issues, as a child you know no different, you think that your life is normal and every little girl is experiencing these things, know its not normal know your not on your own dont be afraid be BRAVE!
My mum would go into hospital alot, I would just think she was poorly sick! I would watch the man put the jacket on her wrap her arms around it and put into the back of a car, This was normal! Coming into the kitchen watching your mum froth at the mouth and shaking on the floor this was NORMAL! Walking into the bathroom your mum aslepp in the bath with her wrists covered in blood, this was NORMAL! Going to starngers houses while your mum went into hospital AGAIN! This was NORMAL! New men coming home with her from the hospital when she dis charged herself yet AGAIN! This was NORMAL.
WHEN THERE WERE HIGH’S
My mother was a very talented woman, a brilliant artist, dress maker, up cycling before it was even trendy, she won awards for her garden, everyone else had dado rails, borders and stripey wall paper, we had full on mural’s on the walls, This is how she dealt with her mental health along with the drugs, but what I learnt was with a massive high there was going to be an earth shattering LOW!
This is when her mental state was at her all time worst, she came from an abusive background herself, in the hands of her mother, her father died young I never got to meet him she adored him (Harry) I feel this is why she craved men, she wanted to be loved, even the men that beat her abused her she kept going back, she wanted to please them at what ever cost, if that meant giving her children to them for pleasure, being part of the abuse, or even putting into care, if thats what her man wanted thats what he got. My poor sister would get the blame for everything she was weak and mum knew this! With a heavy heart and tears I would watch her beat my sister, with her hands with the iron what ever she could, to this day it haunts my very soul, my sister turned to me and said your different your brave you can stop this, So the day my mum pushed her into the open fridge and kept slamming the door on her head, I found the strength, I found my brave, I shouted stop I grabbed her arm my sister could escape, I looked her right in the eye as she beat me, with every blow i would look at her I told her this is your last time, I ran and locked my room, I drew around the bruises and went back down stairs and said I am going to tell someone I am going to tell my dad. I would like to thnk the abuse stopped because of that but I knew deep down it stopped so my dad could nt get custody and she kept the house and the benifits coming in.
More I Have Not Shared!
There is lots of things I wont share in this blog…thats for the book…but i hope its given you enough background and insight to understand CEM!!
So if you too are suffering or didnt know you were suffering I hope that this may of helped. My siblings went to counciling but I have not, I took the more spiritual path which could be good for you too.
I am grateful everyday
I will find a positive in a negative
Dont surround yourself with drama and daytime vampires!
Walk in nature
Work on yourself a little each day
Thank Connect and move.
Much Love xx